Aiming for a win-win separation
When celebrities divorce, it makes for big
headlines. Since Johnny Depp and Amber Heard announced their intention to split
a few weeks ago, the most private aspects of their life together has been played
out in public and open for examination by the media and online commentators.
With court documents
detailing lavish lifestyles and counter-accusations of drug taking and abuse,
the proceedings look set to secure many more headlines as they unfold.
By contrast, BBC2’s TV latest
series, Mr & Mrs : Call the Mediator,
shows a different side to divorce, with negotiated outcomes, as couples are
helped through the separation of their finances and childcare arrangements
outside the courts.
Every relationship breakdown
is painful, especially when children are involved, but with all of us living
ever more public lives, played out on social media, what may have a significant
impact on the process is the way that couples conduct themselves through their
Twitter thoughts or Instagram images.
Here, family law expert Sion Williams of Gamlins Law
explains some of the ways that separating couples can make the journey to divorce less painful.
Mediation:
The Depp/Heard divorce
started with a war of words and flying accusations. It would be hard not to know what was going
on between the couple, with their pictures splashed across front pages in both
the print and online media.
As I write, the headlines are
focused on another ‘divorce’: that of the UK’s split with Europe, and emotions
are running high, as with the break-up of any long term relationship.
It’s a thorny issue, but it’s
fair to assume that the majority, whatever their voting preference, will be hoping
that any withdrawal by the UK from the EU will be approached in a positive
spirit, to achieve the best possible negotiated outcome.
It’s an attitude that can
make the difference for couples and their families too. The Children and Families Act 2014 says
that before a separating couple can ask a court to sort things out for them, they
must consider using mediation.
The BBC2 series Mr & Mrs shows
that it’s not plain sailing, even with experienced and impartial mediation, but
it gives a good idea of how it all works.
Many people reject mediation if they are concerned about having
to face their ex; perhaps they fear they’ll be intimidated, but it’s a flexible
process and you don’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. If you want, you can have a legal adviser
with you, to help put your case.
The big difference between going to court and mediation is
that a judge has much wider discretion and does not have to come up with a solution
where both sides are happy. Mediation can
give more control over the outcome as each side can keep on negotiating, until
an agreeable compromise is reached.
Social media:
As we live ever more public
lives, played out on social media, reliving some of the pain of divorce is the
way that couples conduct themselves through their Twitter thoughts or Instagram
images.
The privacy risks around social
media should be obvious: one has only to look at the chatter around recent
celebrity injunctions. But for some
people, translating that into their own day-to-day lives does not seem to be so
obvious. It may be hard to maintain
privacy in this always-on, digital world, but re-thinking how you use social
media when you’re going through a break-up should be a priority – not just for
your own peace of mind, as where children are involved, it’s even more
important.
Just type “divorce and social
media” into a search engine and you’ll find millions of results, covering
everything from advice to academic research.
The use of social media is even given as the reason that people
separate, whether because of discovery of illicit affairs or because of
postings made by a partner.
There are all sorts of simple
things you can do to avoid becoming drawn into damaging dialogues with your ex
or upsetting each other by showing what is happening in the new life you are
each living.
First, it’s a good idea to
break all links and connections with your ex on each site you use. Check your
settings to be sure that your profile is set to private and that you can’t be
tagged by friends in newly posted pictures so you’re not sharing with your ex. You may be drawn to see what is happening
with your former partner, and they with you, but it’s unlikely to help the
process of moving on.
And think carefully before
you post, so you avoid posting anything in anger or to try and score against
your ex. Remember that once it’s out there,
it’s in the public domain and can be seen by family, children, and even by a
judge, if things come to court. It’s
sometimes easy to imagine you are just ‘talking’ to close friends and followers
when you post, but these are public platforms with a world-wide audience.
Across borders:
In the EU referendum
aftermath, those in a relationship where one is a national of another EU
country, may be wondering what is going to happen in future if their marriage
suffers a break-down. But for now,
there’s no change, while the UK remains a member of the EU. It’s likely there
will be changes ahead, but those will be revealed as we progress through the
lengthy negotiations that will be required.
For now, let’s focus on how
sparring can be turned into conciliation and positive outcomes.
